The Walls We Crashed Through
by ThisNightisFlawless
Summary: Long live all the mountains we moved. Demi/Selena Frienship/Eventual Relationship. CHANGED LAST NAMES, IT'S LEGAL.
1. Introduction

This is my first story, so please be nice! It's Demi/Selena, and it's Demi's POV the whole way through. Hope you enjoy :-)

**Introduction**

We were on the couch in my living room. I could smell that she had been drinking, and I was terrified and clueless. Her arms are wrapped tightly around my torso, she's sobbing relentlessly into my shoulder. She wasn't even attempting to speak, which is what worried me most. I just held her, rubbing her back and whispering rushed attempts at calming her down, pleading her to let me know what was wrong, what I could do to fix this. My best friend was visibly shattered and it was breaking me all the same.

I met her when I was ten years old. There's no extrodinary story. I wasn't hypnotised by her beauty, and it wasn't some glorious, heart-stopping, storybook moment. It was just fourth grade, and we were innocent little kids oblivous to the future and what pain and beauty it was bringing.

We grew up together, raised each other a little, if you will. We'd seen each other at our worst and best. She was fiercely independant, and she was absolutely beautiful in every single way. She was relentless. Brilliant. Brave. Worthy of greatness. She had the biggest heart I had ever known, and I loved every inch of her.

By the time we're sixteen and she's crying in my arms drunk at three thirty in the morning, we had been through hell and back together. We fought, we cried. We were lost, and had strayed away from each other a few times, but we always found our way back to each other. That's what's important, I think.

We encountered the most heartbreaking and destructive situations, but we never lost sight of each other and we stood together through all of it. Her first heartbreak, my first heartbreak. The loss of a friend. The suicide attempt. And, the continuous crumbling heart that I didn't know had been breaking the entire time.


	2. It Gets Worse At Night

**It Gets Worse At Night  
(Her First Heartbreak) **

We're fifteen and it's December. She's sitting on her bed.

"I love him. And I know that it's stupid and that I shouldn't anymore after everything he's done to me. It's like I just can't stop. I can't help it. And he doesn't even care about me." She's sobbing now, and I'm absolutely helpless as I watch her from the edge of her bed.

Her and Derek had been dating for around five months, he was a senior, one of those who liked to prey on innocent freshman like us. He cheated on her countless times and she had let it slide or just acted oblivious because that's how much she thought she loved him. I hated every bone in his body, every lie that came out of his mouth. He was the biggest tool I had ever met, and she absolutely adored him.

"What happened sweetie? What did he do?"  
"He told me I was nothing but someone to fuck along with the other girls he's had since he's been with me, and that he only wanted to date me because he knew it'd be easier to get in my pants." She choked out the last three words, and I wince as I remember that she actually gave him her virginity.

She admitted to me a few nights before that she had been sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night to have sex with him. I was so disappointed in her. Selena is better than that. I knew that he only wanted sex, and I told her more times than I can remember, but it only resulted in her being upset and defensive. So, I let it go. I regret that.

The next thing I know she's crumbling in my arms, telling me she should have listened and apologizing for not doing so.

"Shhhhhh. Don't apologize to me. It's okay." Her sobs just grow louder and more fierce. "I'm so stupid! I deserve this shit for being such an idiot!"

At those words I gently grab her face. "Hey, listen to me. This has nothing to do with you, okay? It's not your fault. You put everything you had into that relationship. He's the idiot, alright? He's the idiot." I rock her back and forth.

After about thirty minutes, she becomes almost silent before she speaks in nearly a whisper. "I just don't know why he doesn't want me. I just feel pathetic and stupid," She hesitates, "...and just, unnatractive."

I've never seen anyone so broken. It was in her eyes. He had torn her to bits and she was miserable.

I lift her chin and begin the best friend speech I knew I'd needed to give. "You are gorgeous. You're stunning, you're smart. He's the one that's stupid for ever treating you like he did, Sel. Alright? You are the best person I know, honest to God. He is not worth this shit anymore, babe. You want him to know he has the power to make you feel this way?" She shakes her head. "I know you don't, because I know you. You don't want him to get to you. And you know I absolutely understand that he has, but if he knows, it just gives him a big head, you know? Don't let him know he's got you down, because you're better than this. You're better than him. You're not stupid for giving everything to somebody you believe in, okay? That just adds to how amazing you are to begin with.. you're not afraid to be vulnerable and sometimes that bites you in the ass but it's one of things I admire most about you. I know you think you're never gonna make it out of this one, but I'm gonna be here, alright? I just don't ever want you to doubt how great you are, and I sure as hell don't want some jackass to be the cause of it. You're gonna be fine."

She's just quiet. She stares at me for the longest time while I rub circles on her back. "Did you mean any of that, or was it just the best friend speech you're entitled to give whenever I'm hurt?"

I chuckle lightly and kiss the top of her head. "Every word," I say.

"Thank you, Dem."  
"What else am I here for?"  
"I love you, loser."  
"I love you too."

The next few weeks went by in the biggest blur. She cried more. I listened.

One night about three weeks later, he called her and asked if she wanted to sneak out. She disappointed me that night.

As expected, she showed up at my doorstep at four thirty, sobbing. I knew. She knew. Not much was said, and I silently prayed to God the entire night I held her that this was the last time, that she'd see he was no good. I wished she'd think better of herself.


	3. The Games That Play Us

Thank you guys so much for the reviews! I honestly didn't expect anyone to read it, much less enjoy it. Thanks a lot :)

I didn't really explain the whole layout of the story. At the end of the introduction it lists the "terrible situations" they'd been through together before the current one they're in. There's a chapter for each of those situations before it leads to the current, plus I'm almost sure I'll have some in between chapters, just to add to the story. Sorry if it was confusing :)

I'll try to update every day, or at least every other day.

**The Games That Play Us**  
**(My First Heartbreak) **

We're fifteen and it's February, two months have passed since her and Derek finally "broke up" and she's been doing really well with it. So it seems.

Patrick Swayze and pizza were our Saturday night plan. She'd been feeling a little down about Derek lately, so I told her we'd watch Dirty Dancing, her favorite movie.

She came over around 9 and we started our little movie marathon that we knew would probably end about a movie and a half later because we'd get bored of it. We always did. We sat at in the floor at the edge of my bed with our food and blankets, watching Baby try to learn the choreography. Her eyes lit up, and I was just happy that she was happy, even if it was just for two hours of some dumb movie we watched at least twice a month.

The credits are rolling across the screen when she looks at me and asks what we're watching next.

"I get to pick this one!"  
"Please don't make me watch one of your weird Indie freak movies that make no sense." She whines.  
"Shut your face! We're watching Pineapple Express!" Her expression lightens up as if she's satisfied with my choice and she turns her face back to the screen.

We're dying in laughter no less than fifteen minutes later when her phone starts buzzing. She opens it and her face twists into an odd combination of fear, confusion, and brief excitement.  
"Who is it?" I question.  
She looks at me, her face pleading with me to not ask questions. But I was done looking the other way. "Who is it?"

"It's him." She sighs and looks down, her hand running through her hair, frustrated.

"Can I see?" Surprisingly she tosses me her phone and doesn't take her eyes off the floor.

The words across the screen turn my stomach inside out.

'Hey beautiful. How about around 1:30 I pick you up & we go back to my place for a little while?'

Her face looks broken and tired, but I know she won't say no. "Please don't go."

She has tears in her eyes and I can tell she's trying to be strong, trying to act as if it's not a big deal. She looks up at me and gives this little half smile, like an attempt to apologize or reason with me. I know she's leaving, and I know she's gonna show up later and finally let those same tears fall, and I'm going to try my damn hardest to piece her back together. Again.

"I'm sorry. I have to go." She's putting on her shoes and out the door before I can try to convince her to stay.

Much to my surprise, that was the last night she went with him. She came back two hours later without a tear on her face, and shrugged. "I'm not doing that anymore. I like my sleep." She chuckles and hugs me. I don't know why, but I don't ask questions, I just hug her back and let it be.

Two months later, the tables were turned and I wasn't the strong one anymore.

I had been dating Logan for eight months. I was completely consumed by him, everything about him. Looking back, he was almost just as douchey as Derek was. I guess "love" is blind.

I texted Selena immediately. 'he broke up with me, for absolutely no reason. what the fuck? i don't even know what to think right now.'

I got the reply almost instantly. 'On my way babe.'

The way that she stormed in my room and just- held me, make my heart warm. I don't know why she cared so much about me, but I'm glad I had her. She's whispering in my ear as I cry. "Fuck him. You're amazing and he's stupid."

When I calm down enough to tell her what happened, she pulls back and stares into my eyes, holding my hand. "He did it through a damn text, Sel. What is that? He keeps playing this stupid game with me, over and over. How the hell did I fall for him?"

"You're asking the wrong girl." She chuckles and pushes my hair from my face. "I know this sucks." She kissed my forehead.

I hesitated and wiped my eyes before telling her the rest of the story. "He told me he knew about the cabin." Her eyes go wide. "What?"

"Yeah. I don't know what exactly he knows- but he knows something. He wouldn't tell me what, he just said he can't be with someone who acts that way and blah blah blah. I didn't cheat on him! There wasn't even anybody decent looking there."

She looks absolutely terrified and I don't know why. Granted, I did get plastered and might have started to remove my clothes, BUT, Selena stopped me before I actually lost any clothing! When I asked her later the next day what happened, she said I was just shitfaced, but she didn't dare let me do anything stupid.

"The Cabin" was a literally a mansion in the mountains, on a giant lake where we went with our other friend Mary Claire about three times a year. The last time we went, we discovered a huge storage cabinet filled with alcohol.

Mary Claire's brother Harrison brought friends too, and we all drank and had fun. I played about three too many games of beer pong and after that it was a complete blur. I remember Selena following me, taking care of me like I was a baby. At the time it frustrated the hell out of me, but now I'm thankful she stopped drinking to take care of me. Which is why I'm really confused at why she looks like she's seen a ghost when I mention the cabin.

I don't push it because I've been crying all night, I'm tired and I just want my best friend to hold me and let me sleep.


	4. The Trick is to Keep Breathing

Hey! Thank you guys again so much for the reviews. They mean a lot. This chapter is kind of just a short & sweet one leading to the downfall. It isn't one of the "situations" like the last two, and I'm working on the next one already!  
Please don't be afraid to tell me what more you'd like to see or what you think I need to work on! Enjoy :)

**The Trick is to Keep Breathing**

Three months, four days, about twenty tubs of ice cream, and a million tears later, we made it past our heart-cracks, as Selena says. She's too stubborn to admit that they broke them, so she'll result to calling it just a fracture. We both made it, and it felt amazing.

We had never been closer than we were those three months. We picked each other off the ground and learned to walk again, together.

We both agreed to steer clear of relationships until at least summer was over. I just wanted to have fun and not have anyone to answer to and she agreed.

So it's April. We're both still fifteen and sitting in the movie theater, watching Bride Wars. A voiceover blares through the room as the credits are about to roll.

_"Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what; maybe you ll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but there is also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you, sometimes better than you know yourself, is the same person who's been standing beside you all along."_

She grabs my hand and just looks at me- I mean _really_ looks at me, and stays silent for about two minutes before she speaks, her voice thick with tears.  
"Thank you, Dem." It's short, it's simple. But, those three words were all it took. I understood. Everything she said was breathtaking, **she** was breathtaking.

She let go of my hand and ran it across my cheek, but quickly dropped it down and linked our arms as we exited the theatre.

We were free and together. We had moved on and were ready to conquer whatever else we had thrown at us, and we both had faith we could as long as we had each other.

That was the last day we had before everything got completely fucked up, and if ever there was a moment to freeze time, Jesus Christ that was it.


	5. The Leaver's Dance Part 1

Hellooooooooo lovely people! Thank you again for the reviews, I appreciate them all & they make my day! This chapter of the story is actually going to be split into at least 3 different sections because it's such a valid plot point. This is part one. Read & enjoy :)

**The Leaver's Dance Part 1**  
** (The Loss of a Friend)**

April 9th. The date alone makes me shiver.

It was a Friday, and I ditched school with my sister, Dallas. We went to eat and drove around, blaring music and just acting like total idiots.

She was a senior, I was a freshman.

It was two thirty that day when we found ourselves at the park, enjoying the swings and comfortable silence. My phone buzzed in my pocket, signaling a text message. I was a little confused as to who'd be texting me in the middle of a school day. I didn't think it would be Selena because she never texts during class. Typical. She also declined taking the day off with me and Dallas. Also typical.

Her excuse was that she had "Variety Show" that night and couldn't afford another absence. Variety Show was a show the drama club put on every year, filled with dances and skits. It was the biggest show of the year and we had one of the top programs in the state.I was so proud of her for making two of the dances she auditioned for. I wasn't into it at all, but I would absolutely be there supporting my best friend, front row.

Back to the message, I was wrong. It _was_ Selena. And the words that flashed across my screen dropped my heart to the pit of my stomach.  
'_Mary Claire killed herself.'_

Never in my life.

I felt frozen. My mouth went dry. My phone went to the ground. I jumped out of the swing and kneeled on the pavement. No words, no thoughts. I was completely baffled and thrown into a whirlwind.

"Demi? Hellloooooo? What's wrong, weirdo?" She's still in the swing. Oblivious. I wish I was.  
"Da-Dallas..." I start, I can't finish. She knows something's wrong and comes to lift me to my feet, grabbing my face.  
"What is it?"  
I shake my head, a single tear rolls down my cheek and I reach to wipe at it frantically. This can't be real. This is a dream.  
"You've got to tell me what's going on or I can't help you. Come on, talk to me."  
"Take me to school now. I have to get Selena." She doesn't ask questions the whole way there and for that I've never been so thankful.

My walk into the school is wobbly. I enter the building, and _nothing._

Complete, sheer, silence. And in that instant, whatever distant hope I had somewhere in the back of my mind that this was all some terrible misunderstanding fled. It was real. It was scary. And, she was gone.

My other best friend. I had known Mary Claire since second grade. Funniest, sweetest, seemingly happiest person I had ever met. That's why I was so lost. What the fuck was happening?

Selena was in Marketing, I knew. I went straight there and no one said a word when I walked in. All that could I could her was sniffling and sobbing.

She was in the corner, her head in her hands as I approach her. I sat down next to her and touched one of her hands. She flinched and looked up with a stern look, trying to be strong. But her facade broke when she realized who it was and her face twists into the most heartwrenching thing I've ever seen when the loudest sob echoes from her. She falls into me, her arms falling next to her as she cries into my chest. She seems lifeless, the way she just hangs there sobbing.

I'm broken too, but I only cry silently. I can't let us both crumble right now. We're in the middle of a classroom and the entire school is in hysterics. This is a wreck.

"She shot herself." She whispers. I don't say anything, I don't have anything to say.  
"Let's go home."

Dallas signs us both out and we go to Selena's. Her parents are both at work so it's just us. Us and silence.

So, we lay down on her couch and she puts her arms around my torso. I put my hand over hers and we don't speak.  
I feel her breathing level out as she falls asleep. I wish I could.

My head is going a hundred miles per hour and I can't place anything anywhere. I have known nothing like that in my entire life. This isn't a stupid fucking boyfriend. This isn't something that chocolate and chickflicks and cuddling can fix. This is a mess and I didn't see a way out, a way of making sense of anything.

Strangely enough, I felt like I never wanted to move. That if I did, reality would come back and all hell would break loose. Then I remember. Shit, she has a show tonight.


	6. The Leaver's Dance Part 2

Sorry it's been so long! I was trying to wait to see if I'd get anymore reviews before I updated, just to see what people were liking and everything, but I didn't get but 1 for the last chapter, so I figured I'd update anyways! This is Part 2 of 3 of 'The Leaver's Dance', it's a bit spacey & longer than the previous chapters and not really my favorite, but I hope you like it! Enjoy & please review! :)

**The Leaver's Dance Part 2**

Despite everything, she looked absolutely stunning on that stage. I was front row, as I promised her.

My focus wasn't there and I could see it in her eyes that it went both ways, but she danced it brilliantly. For a moment, maybe just a fragment of a second, her eyes lit up and she sparkled. That was enough for me.

When the show ended and they came out to take a final bow, I was on my feet applauding. I smiled for the first time since we found out when she found my eyes. We stayed that way for a moment. Me, applauding her with a goofy smile on my face and her matching it.

They came out and she greeted her parents and me. I gave her a hug and a brief kiss on the cheek. "You were amazing."

She smiled a little half smile and thanked me, then turned to her parents. After they showered her with hugs, praise and kisses she sighs, "Can I just stay at Demi's tonight?"

They look at her with a little confusion but nevertheless give her permission. "I guess so. Just call me in the morning sweetie. Love you."  
And then they were gone.

She turns to me and hugs me again. "Let's get out of here," she says. She sounds exhausted. So, we leave with Dallas.

-  
When we get to my house she goes upstairs without a word. She's acting so strange. Distant. I follow her and she's laying in my bed when I get to my room.

I sit down next to her and turn on the TV. She's not speaking and I don't know why. I know she's shaken up, and I am too. But we've always been able to talk about stuff.

But still, we sit there for at least thirty minutes in silence, watching a re-run of Friends.

It's then that I look over to her, ready to ask where her head's at. Before I even begin to open my mouth, she's crying. She's been crying. I don't know how long, but I can tell. Her makeup is running down her face and she looks so- tired.

"Sel-, I start." She shakes her head at my words. "Can you just hold me?" Her eyes are pleading and her voice is shaky, so I don't protest.  
"Yeah, come here."  
She crawls over to me and puts her head on my chest as I wrap my arms around her shoulders, hers around my stomach.  
"We're gonna be okay, I promise." I whisper and kiss her hair. She doesn't respond and I think she's asleep.  
So, I just hold her fragile body, head going out of control. I'm scared for her, for both of us.

I realize that I haven't even thought about how I'm feeling about Mary Claire. I've been so consumed with Selena. And that's okay because I love her and I need her to be okay, but I'm lost in all of this and I just.. miss her already. I need reason.  
-

Morning comes soon and she's still in my arms asleep when I wake. I look at my phone for the time. It's 9:30.  
I gently stroke her hair, "Selena, wake up." She stirs and her eyes reluctantly open.  
"Go wash your face, okay?" "So tired," she mumbles, but gets up and stumbles to my bathroom.

I've had endless texts and calls, most of which saying 'Oh, Im so sorry Demi. I'm here if ya need to talk, k? Love ya.'

Jesus. I hate people.

Selena comes back in and sits next to me on the bed. "What's going on today?"  
"Well, I really don't want to be stuck here all day with Mom and Dad bugging me about- well. You know. And I doubt you do either. So I figured we could go get breakfast and drive to wherever the car takes us. I know, we can't drive legally and all, but I figured we'd say we're leaving with your mom or something and just take Dallas' car. I've already talked it over with her and it's gonna cost me, but it'll work. She's covering." I rush the last bit out, knowing what was coming. Selena hates breaking rules and risking getting in trouble. But, to my surprise, she doesn't hardly budge.

"Breakfast sounds good." She smiles. And I smile back, because we need this. Sure, we're trying to avoid the mourning and dealing with this head on, but Monday is gonna come before I even blink and it's all gonna come out then. We can push it away for today. I just need to get us through this.

Baby steps.  
-

Selena and I get ready and go to grab breakfast at an iHop. We don't talk much about anything while we're eating, mainly about her show. She really enjoyed it, despite everything else.

When we're finished, we link arms while we walk to Dallas' car.

She plugs in her iPod and puts on a soft James Blunt song. I look over and her eyes are closed, concentrating.

I don't question her or anything she's doing. I just let it be, the morning sun shining through the windows and soft music blaring through the car.

We drive in silence until we reach the city. It's almost noon, and she's hungry again. Surprise, surprise.

"Let's go through the drive through!" She says. "Noooo. I don't wanna drive and eat."  
"Then we'll pull over somewhere, goob."

So I drive through Zaxby's and order us each lunch, then pull around to the parking lot. We get out our food and begin eating, but it's awkward. Something inside of me snaps. I don't know what it is, but it's about to come out.

"Hey. Sel," I start. She turns and looks at me, her eyebrows raising a bit, signaling that I had her attention. "I hate to bring it up, but you know how Mary Claire- well... you know, she committed su- suicide." I can hardly stomach the last three words.

Selena simply nods, her eyes glazing over with barely visible tears as I continue. "Well, I just feel like shit, you know? I feel like shit because I am- I was, supposed to be her best friend and I had no fucking idea Selena. I had no idea she was hurting. I didn't know! I didn't know why! I still don't know and it's tearing me apart Sel. It's _killing_ me because if I just would've been there like I was supposed to... I would have changed it. I could have, you know? I could have fixed her and saved her." I'm crying now, my voice breaking and rising and falling apart.  
"I could have done something! I was ignorant. I was just stupid and selfish and I didn't know! And now she's laying in some fucking funeral home while people pretty her up for a bunch of people who just didn't know. For me and for you and her parents... none of us knew. And I'm sorry! I'm sorry because I know this is killing you too and I'm sorry because I could have stopped it, you know? I'm _sorry_ Selena. I'm sorry." I'm sobbing and screaming. She is too, and she reaches for me. I stop her, I'm not finished.

"No. Just listen. You're my best friend and I love you. I love you and I don't want to not know with you. I need you to know that. You have to know Selena. I can't lose you too, okay? I can't because I'll be alone and I don't know what I'll do. I'm just- I'm so scared that I'm not gonna know again. I'm scared I'll feel like this all over again and I can't! Just- please. Don't let me not know, alright? I'm here for you and I love you and I just _can't_." I can hardly find my voice so I stop. She's looking at me, shocked. Suddenly she gets out of the car and runs to my side.

She opens the door and gets in somewhat on top of me, and holds me. "This is not your fault, alright? This isn't you. I'm right here Dem." She kisses the top of my head, her voice is cracking.  
"I'm right here and I know you're scared. I'm scared too. But I promise- hey," She pulls back and grabs my tear stained face, staring into my eyes. "I promise I'm not going anywhere. I love you too. We're gonna be fine Demi." She kisses my forehead and hugs me. We're crying and holding each other. We're wrecks.

We decide that the road trip just isn't in the cards for us and drive home.

When I get to her house to drop her off she looks at me before she gets out. "Hey, thank you for today. Even though we ended up a mess, thank you. It meant a lot."

"Of course."  
"Love you." She hugs me and steps out of the car.  
"Love you back."


	7. The Leaver's Dance Part 3

Thank you so much for the past couple of reviews, they make my day. I wasn't really sure if I should continue this, because I wasn't getting much feedback for the last few chapters. But, it's a little important to me, so I will. This chapter concludes 'The Leaver's Dance' part. Enjoyyyyy! :)

BTW, I know this is a love story between Demi/Selena, and that there's a LOT of dwelling and focus on Mary Claire in the past few and this chapter, but it's a really important plot point, and after this chapter, the relationship starts to come together.  
Enjoy :)

**The Leaver's Dance Part 3**

As I got dressed, I was in autopilot. I was nervous, nauseated, and I couldn't breathe. My heart felt like it was making audible, unbearable thumps throughout my house. I think even Mary Claire could have heard it beating.

The funeral was today. I was drained and scared. But, I put on a brave face right after I put on my black dress and went out to the car.

My parents drove there in silence. Dallas didn't even speak.

Mary Claire's parents asked me and Selena to sit in the row behind the family with a few of Mary Claire's other relatives and close family friends.

Selena wasn't there when I arrived, so I saved her a seat with my purse, biting my nails and not taking my eyes off the floor. It didn't feel real.

When she got there, I waved her over to me. I could tell she'd been crying, and we stood for the family to enter the room.

I was doing a pretty decent job at being strong until that moment. I see her mother, shattered, clinging on to her father, who was obviously and failing miserably at trying to hold himself together. I see Harrison with silent tears running down his pale face, holding his mother's free hand. I had never seen anyone so broken, and it terrified me. Their world was ripped into shreds and nothing anyone said or did would fix this. _Ever._ The tears I had been holding in seemed to all fall at once.

They sat down and silence followed. The preacher walked to the center and bowed his head. He said a prayer that I was too distant to comprehend. He gave a sermon about how much she was loved. About how she's in a better place. Jesus Christ, this was so wrong. I shouldn't be here right now. This isn't happening.

The warmth of Selena's hand brings me back to reality, and it stings. I miss Mary Claire, I break at the sight of her family, I cringe at the words of the preacher. _This is wrong._

So I result to starting at the ground, Selena's hand firm but shaky, wondering where she is and if she knows I'm sorry.

I hardly recall anything until the point where her Uncle Brian slowly walks to the podium, wiping his brow and tears. I only met him twice, but Mary Claire adored him.

"I remember everything about her now vividly. It's funny how you don't think about it until the past is all you have to hold onto because the future is- well.. already gone. I remember playing golf with her the last time I visited, and dying in laughter at the jokes she played. Her wit was incredible, she was beautiful, and I haven't known anyone in my entire life like Mary Claire. I know you all want an explanation, or some kind of closure. But I can't tell you how to find that. We've got to come to it on our own. And I know that she wouldn't have wanted everyone weeping in here over her. I was asked to speak today, but I couldn't find the words. So I put together this slideshow. It's all I've got and I hope it's enough. Thank you." He's brave. He's brilliant. But he's shattered. You can see it all across his face as the first picture shows on the screen of him and Mary Claire.

Her smile, her eyes. This is surreal. Selena keeps hold of my hand and lays her head on my shoulder as we watch these photographs from her life unfold on the screen. She's crying. I'm crying.

There's so many pictures of the three of us and every one of them puts a crack in my heart. I'm afraid it's going to be nothing by the time it's over.

More prayers are said, more speakers are called up, and I can't focus on any of them. The only one I even heard was Brian's. And now all I hear is Selena's thumping, heavy heartbeat matching mine and I_ know_ Mary Claire can hear them this time.

I know she would never want me, in a million years, to feel in any way responsible for what she did to herself. So I try not to. I try to love what time we did have. I try not to regret anything. I loved her. Selena loved her. And I will miss her every single day of my life, every minute.

But I know that she's still here in every way. She had a reason, and even though I may never know what that reason is, it's okay. She forgives me just as I forgive her. And I thank her, because she brought me to the best thing I've ever had, maybe not intentionally, but either way, she did.

**Author's Note**  
**I will never, _ever_ do this experience justice.**

_** I love and miss you forever. R.I.P. **_

**Chapter 7 will be up soon. **


	8. An Attempt to Tip the Scales

I know some people aren't liking this story because it's not very, er, romantic between Selena & Demi yet. It moves kind of slow, I get that. But trust me, it DOES develop, especially in the next two chapters. This is just another little in between chapter.

Thank you for the reviews and for reading. I genuinely appreciate it! Love you guys, enjoy :)

**An Attempt to Tip the Scales**

"You wanna go to a party?" Selena timidly asks me as we eat cereal at my kitchen counter.

"A party? What kind of party?"

"A party, party. We haven't done anything fun in a while Demi. Let's just go. It'll be fun." She pleads.

"My parents are never gonna go for that and you know it. Neither are yours, for that matter."

"Then let's just sneak out and then back in. I know Dallas will help us."

I don't know why, but I agree. I think it's because I want her to be happy. I worry about her still. It's been three months since Mary Claire. I'm beggining to cope with it a little better, and seemingly, so is Selena. But I still see it when her smile doesn't meet her eyes and she's just- off. It happens. So I'm trying.

"Fine. But if we get caught, it's your ass Selena Marie."  
"Thaaaaank you precious!" She hugs me and drags me upstairs.

"Okay, so I told mom I was staying here. So we'll go to Will's at like, 11, then come back whenever and get Dallas to sneak us in. Sound like a plan?"  
"I guess it is." I respond. She's so excited, I haven't seen her like that in months.

Three hours later my parents are asleep and we're ready. We take baby steps down the hall and stairs until we reach the back door and leave.

"Ashley's picking us up at the corner, I'll text her and tell her we're ready." She's got it all worked out. Sneaky little girl.

"Okay. Hey, listen. Please don't do anything stupid tonight, alright? Be smart."

"Demi, you don't have anything to worry about! I will be. Plus, I've got you protecting me." She smiles and throws in a little wink. She looks genuinely excited and happy, so I'm happy too.

She's dressed in skinny jeans, flats, a pink cami and a quarter-length sleeved leather jacket, while I'm dressed as well in skinny jeans, flats, and a dark blue tank top.

Ashley's waiting at the corner as promised when we approach it. The drive to the party is filled with frantic excitement from Selena and Ashley, talking about how crazy it's gonna be, and how much alcohol would be there.

I've only seen Selena drink twice, both times with me, so I was a little surprised that she was excited about the alcohol. I knew I was going to drink tonight, but I was planning on watching out for Selena, so it wasn't going to be much.

When we arrive we can hear the music blaring from the three story house. Cars were everywhere, people were everywhere. Typical. But I'll admit, it looked like a lot of fun.

Selena and I link arms as we walk from the car to the house. People are dancing, playing beer pong and standing around talking.

"Let's get next game." She whispers in my ear, reffering to beer pong. We walk over to the table and wait for the game to finish.

"Hey ladies, get ready. Me and Jacob don't play around!" Mark Aaron yells, obviously half drunk from across the table. He's cool though, I've always liked him.

"Oh don't worry Mark. We can handle you." I yell back over the loud music. Selena giggles.

We kicked their asses. Selena even sank three cups, a huge surprise.

When we were done Selena whispers to me, "Hey, I'm gonna go find Ash. I need to ask her something. You okay here?"  
"Yeah, I'm good. Go." I smile, and she returns it, releasing my hand I didn't know she'd been holding when she walks away.

"Hey Demi, come do a shot with me babe!" It's Mark again, sounding even more wasted. I usually try to stay away from shots, but I figured one wouldn't hurt. So he poured in the vodka and raised his glass to mine. "Cheers!" He shouts, and we throw them back. It stings my throat as it goes down. I told myself that was enough, that I'd stick to beer and wine coolers for the rest of the night.

I went and danced with Selena and the girls for a few songs before Will called me over. "Hey Dem, how about a shot?" And before I know it, I'm chasing another shot with cranberry juice, feeling a little effect. I wasn't drunk, but I could tell.

Selena comes over to me. "You need to slow down babe. It's only like 12." She's calm, but I can smell alcohol on her breath too.

"Yeah, okay. No more shots. Got it." I smile at her and we go over to watch a game of beer pong.

But people kept calling me over. And before I knew it I wasn't stopping. I was taking shot after shot after a stern look from Selena.

I was absolutely, 100% wasted.

Then I remember dancing. _All. Over. Selena._ She looked dumfounded. Confused. It was one of the most intense moments of my life. I think she was drunk too. Not nearly as much as I was, but drunk nontheless. And she wasn't pushing me away.

Then out of nowhere she gives me this apologetic look and walks away. I was too drunk to comprehend anything, so I kept dancing. I don't know what time it was or who I was dancing with, but I hadn't had this much fun since- before.

So I took more shots. I drank more beer. And I danced as long as I could.

Then it hit me, where the fuck did Selena go? I panicked. I was supposed to watch her tonight. Then I realized that I was the one that needed watching.

So I roamed the house looking for her. Every bathroom, every hallway, every bedroom. Then, the basement. That's where I found her, the basement bathroom.

I burst open the door, stumbling, cup in my hand. "What the fuuuuckkk?" I exclaim.  
It's Selena and Will, her tongue lost somewhere in his throat, his hands in her hair. She's sitting on the sink, he's standing over her. My stomach twists. She looks at me, her eyes huge. "Demi. Can you wait for me outside the door please?" She is stuttering. He just looks drunk and confused.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. Carrrrrry onnnn." And I leave. I find a couch outside the door and sit, finishing the rest of my beer.

Will comes out of the bathroom first. He just jogs up the stairs, back to the party. Selena comes out after. Her face is apologetic and tears are pooling in her eyes. I've never been so confused in my life.

She sits next to me on the couch. I reach for her to comfort her and she scoots the opposite way. What the hell? I'm drunk, so of course I vocalize my thoughts.  
"What the hell?" I say. Not angry, just confused.  
She just looks at me. Her face breaks my heart. "Can we just go home Demi?" She asks, her eyes nearly spilling over. "I guess soooooooooo." I reply and stand up. I offer her my hand to help her up and she looks away, standing up on her own. I don't know what's going on, but I know it's not normal.

So I go upstairs and tell Ashley we need to go. She wasn't drinking.  
Selena and I follow her to the car. I tell Ashley to text Dallas and tell her we're on the way.

Then we thank her for taking us and get out. Dallas is waiting around back.  
"Jesus Christ, you're both drunk," is the first thing she says when she sees us.

She helps us upstairs to my room. Selena and I don't speak. We lay there in silence, drifting off before she finally does. "Demi," she says. She elbows my arm for my attention. I look at her and she's not looking back. She's staring at the ceiling. "Yeah?" I say. "In the morning, don't ask me about tonight. Don't ask me period. Okay?"  
I'm confused, but I know she means it. "Okay." And we sleep.

-  
I wake up with the worst headache I've ever experienced. Selena's not next to me. I look at my phone and see that I had a text from her. 'Hey, went home early. Sorry. Didn't wanna wake you. I love you Demi, & I'm sorry.' It was from 7:30 this morning, it's now 12.

Then my phone is ringing and it's Selena's mother. I knew we were busted.

"Hello?" I answered.

But the words that come out of her mouth make me wish that that's why she was calling.

"Hey, uhm Demi? This is Mandy. Selena's in the hospital."


	9. We Might As Well Be Strangers

Hi! The last reviews have been really great and I really appreciate them & thank you guys! Enjoy :)

**We Might As Well Be Strangers**

I get to the hospital at 12:23, about fifteen minutes after I got the call, and another ten after I processed the information and stuttered it all out to my parents.

Selena is in room 321, we take the elevator in silence.

When we reach the floor I see Mandy first, crying and pacing, Brian trying to calm her down. I run to them, leaving my parents behind.

"Is she okay?" I ask, rushed. Mandy can't even speak so Brian answers me. "We won't know until the doctors come back. We haven't seen her since we brought her here this morning."

"Well what happened? What's wrong? Please just tell me what's going on!" Tears are coming out already, and I don't even know the situation. But the fact that we're here and I can't see her is enough.

He looks at me apologetically. "She overdosed, Demi. She left a note. It wasn't an accident." His voice cracks at the end of the sentence and I can't stand up anymore. I sink down against the hallway wall and weep into my hands.

I'm angry with her. I'm angry with myself.

My mom is by my side, a hand on my shoulder. We stay like that for at least an hour before the doctors come in.

"Are you the family of Selena?" A man in scrubs scans the faces of Brian and Mandy. They look up at him, fear all over their broken faces.

"Yes, she's ours. How is she?" Brian says.

"She's stable, don't worry. But she needs to stay at least overnight. We pumped her stomach. She erm- she overdosed on about 10 and a half sleeping pills. She is extremely lucky. I honestly don't know how she made it, but she did."

"When can we see her?" Mandy finally speaks.

"You can go on back right now."

"Thank you Doctor." Brian shakes his hand before he and Mandy make their way to her room.  
-

About thirty minutes later, they return and walk over to me. I was still in my same position on the floor.

"Go see her, she's awake."

I don't say anything to them, I just go to her room.

When I walk in, she looks at me then looks away. She looks lifeless, drained. I sit in the chair pulled up to the hospital bed and stare at her.

"Dem-," she starts. I stop her. "Don't." I spit out, a bit harsher than I intended. I'm still crying, but I don't want her to see.

And then she's crying, still not meeting my eyes.

"How could you do this to me?" I whisper, I can't find my voice. "I told you Selena. I _told_ you that I didn't want to not know with you. And this is the last fucking place I expected to be. Why didn't you tell me? How could you not tell me? Damn it, Selena, look at me!" I'm nearly screaming now.

She turns her head and looks me in the eyes. She's nearly sobbing when she finally speaks. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to be like this."

"Yeah, you meant to leave me this morning then see you for the last time in my life in a casket, that's what you meant to do. And it may be a surprise to you, but that really doesn't make it better." I can't reason with her. I can't even try to.

"Demi, please don't do this. I'm sorry, okay? I don't know what else to say."

"For starters, you can tell me what the fuck happened last night."

At that she breaks eye contact. She just stares at the ceiling. Then she shakes her head. "I told you not to ask me."

I slam my hand down on the table, she flinches. "I don't give a damn! I have to ask questions Selena, because obviously that's the only way I'm gonna know!" I'm standing up now.

She looks up at me with tears coming down her face. "I can't right now, okay? I'm not ready. And you can't push me to tell you. You're supposed to be my best friend, so give me some fucking time."

"I'm done." I don't know why I said that. I didn't mean it, and I regretted it as soon as it came out.

"Please don't go," She pleads. "I'll tell you everything if it'll make you stay. Just _please _don't leave me alone Demi. I need you. I'm sorry that I did this. I just couldn't deal with it. I'll explain later. Just stay." She's choking out the words. I'd never seen her so upset in my life.

So I stayed. I sat back down in the chair and stare at her, grabbing her hand. Then I start to cry. "You can't do this to me. You can't leave me here alone. I thought we talked about this, you know? I thought you said I didn't have anything to worry about. So I thought I didn't. And you know how bad Mary Claire messed me up. How could you? You almost died Selena. And you didn't even tell me. How could you?" I'm rambling and sobbing and staring holes through her.

She doesn't say anything. She just looks away and keeps crying. I grab her face and turn it towards me. "Look at me. _Who are you?_"

"I love you," she says. I'm taken back. "and I'm sorry I did this to you. I never want you to feel responsible for me being stupid. It's not your fault. And Mary Claire wasn't your fault. I'm stupid, okay? I'm stupid and I'm sorry. But I can't do this right now."

I just look at her. I can't even register anything anymore. I'm trying to figure out what could drive her to do this.

"Fine Selena. But I have a question." She sighs and looks up at me.  
"Did he rape you?" She looks shocked, confused.  
"What? No!" She says. "Why would you even ask that?"

"Because you came out crying and you wouldn't even let me touch you. You told me not to ask and you were just so upset, and now this. I just thought that maybe-" She cuts me off. "No Demi, no. You've got it all mixed up. I told you I'd explain later, okay? But it's nothing to do with Will."

"Okay, fine. I'm gonna go get some food. I'll come back in the morning, okay?" I bend down and hug her. She wraps her arms around my torso and holds me tight, then whispers in my ear, "Will you ever forgive me?"

I pull back and look into her eyes. "Promise me you'll never do this again."

She stares back, "I swear."

"I forgive you. And I love you."

Then I leave. When I get out of her room I break down, sinking back to my former position on the wall, sobbing my eyes out at the thought that I almost lost her.


	10. A Multitude of Casualties

Thank you so much for the reviews! You're all really nice & it makes me want to update quicker! They really do mean a lot. This is a shorter chapter. The next will be long and will reveal what a lot of you have been waiting for!

I know I'm moving kind of slow with the relationship, but I didn't want to rush it! :)  
Enjoy :)

**A Multitude of Casualties **

It's been two weeks since I've seen Selena. After the morning of the suicide attempt, they sent her two hours away to another hospital and put her in isolation. I hope to God it's helped. I still don't know why she did it, and it doesn't look like she's telling me anytime soon. But she is coming home today, and I asked her parents if she could come over after she stayed with them for a little while.

She calls me when she gets home. "Hey stranger," she says timidly. "How are you?" I felt awful for the way I talked to her in the hospital. I lost my temper and said things I shouldn't have.  
"I'm okay Dem. I'll be over in about thirty minutes, alright?" "Okay, see you then. Love you."  
"Love you." Then she hangs up.

I don't really know what to say to her. To be honest, I felt a little awkward about everything, and that's the last way I wanted to feel with her. She's my best friend and I don't even know how to talk to her. I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing, or upset her. I'm still in limbo a bit I guess. So much has happened within the last year.

Before I know it, she's knocking on my door. I open it and I'm immediately tackled with a hug. Her arms are tight around my shoulders while mine find their way around her waist. Her head is resting on my shoulders and she lets out a deep breath. "I've missed you," she sighs.

"So have I. And I planned a movie night just for you. Feel special."

She pulls back and smiles at me. Then we make our way to the living room and we're into our second movie before I know it. We don't talk much, even though we both know there's so much to say. I guess we're just trying to find our way back into our normal groove, which is now far from normal.

She has her head on my shoulder when the movie ends. "What do you want to watch now?" I ask.  
"Let's just talk for a bit. Catch up." She sits up and looks at me, "Are there any new fellas in your life since I've been gone?"

"Ugh, no. No one. Boys are douchebags and I'm so sick of it. Logan ruined me." I don't know why we're talking about this. She never brings this up.

"I know what you mean. It's too hard to find somebody that you like, that's decent looking, and not a complete ass. Why can't I just date you?" She laughs.

I laugh as well. "Well that would make sense, but you forgot that I always fix you! What would you do when the one that puts you back together is the one that hurt you silly?"

Then all of a sudden she's not joking anymore. "You wouldn't hurt me."

She's not laughing. Her eyes are boring into mine and I feel like an open book. I break eye contact, it was too- intense.

"Are you hungry?" I break the awkward silence.

_What the hell just happened?_

It's about three days later when we're sitting at the kitchen bar, the conversation before long forgotten. We're eating cereal and talking about everything and nothing.

Then I can't bite my tongue anymore.

I sigh, "Selena, are you gonna tell me what happened at the party?"

She doesn't meet my eyes.

"What happened to giving me time to tell you?" She spits out.

"Why are you keeping this from me?" I return.

She sighs loudly. "Look, things are fine right now. Especially with us. I don't want to mess that up. I know how hard it is for you to talk about all of this and I don't want to upset you. You forgave me. I don't want it coming back up again."

I look at her, confused. "Honey, I am your _best friend_. This isn't about me. I love you, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Things are fine now and they're gonna be fine. It won't change anything, I promise. But you said you'd tell me, and it's time that you do."

She looks back up at me. "Don't say that. You don't know what it'll change."

"I promise. Nothing will change. You can trust me Selena."

"Don't interuppt me until I'm completely finished. And.. don't leave, okay?" She looks like she's about to cry already.

So I take her hand and look into her eyes. "I'm not going anywhere. Talk to me."

She takes a deep, deep breath and lets it out slowly. "Okay. Well you know how we both got really drunk and were dancing, like, weirdly all over each other?" She looks at me and I nod, urging her to continue, not really sure where this was going.

"Well I know it sounds weird, and you'll probably have no idea what I'm talking about, but it made me have this weird flashback. From the cabin."

Now I'm really, really confused. I don't remember anything whatsoever from the cabin. Selena never told me. I knew she was hiding something.

"Selena, did somebody like hurt you at the cabin?" I ask, anger flaring my nostrils.

She chuckles, "No Demi. I told you, let me finish, okay?" I don't say anything else.

"Alright, well I'm about to tell you everything about that night. And just so you know, this is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever told you. And I'm trusting you to listen."

I just nod, "Okay, I'm listening."

"Alright, well it all started, as you know, when you started taking all of those shots..."


	11. Truth Doesn't Make A Noise

This chapter took a bit to figure out how to write it. I couldn't decide between Selena just telling the story, or a full on flashback from no one's point of view. Then I picked the flashback. I hope you guys like it! Enjoy & thank you for the reviews :)

**Truth Doesn't Make A Noise**

"I will take off my shirt for a shot, seriously. I'm not kidding. I know you wanna all see my boooooobies!" Demi yells, drunk off her ass.

Of course, Harrison yells back, "Go on, I've got a shot of tequila right here!"

Demi starts to raise her shirt when Selena swoops in suddenly and raises it down. "No, no, no. Your clothes are staying on."

Demi smiles at her and laughs. "You're always saving me Selly! I would've been naked in like ten minutes!"

Then she nearly tackles her to the ground in a hug.

"Get a room." That's Mary Claire, sipping on a beer while watching her brother's friends play quarters.

Selena just giggles as she prys Demi off of her.

Demi keeps playing with her cheeks, pushing and poking at them. "You're cheeks are so cute! Babbbbbyyyy face!" She laughs.

Selena blushes and moves Demi's hands. "Demi, shut up. You are so drunk. Go sit down for a second, okay?"

"Okay smartie pants. But I'll be back for that cereal later. Don't forget." Selena, or anyone for that matter, has absolutely no idea what she's talking about.

"Selena, relax. Come take a few shots!" Harrison's friend Bradley said, holding up a bottle of vodka. Then Demi chimes in, "Selena, take some shots. They are fun and they make you wanna danceeee!" Demi is an idiot.

But Selena takes the shot anyways. Then she takes another. Then ends up taking four more. All the while, Demi is downing beer after beer. Pretty soon, they're both completely shitfaced. Selena isn't nearly as bad as Demi, she's still aware of what she's doing, she just feels good.

That's when Mary Claire turns the music on. Most of them, with the exception of Bradley, start to dance. First they're all dancing with boys, Demi with Harrison and Selena with the other nameless jock. But somehow, they find their way to each other, kind of like they always have.

And then they're fierce on each other, eyes never breaking contact, hot in the moment. Demi's hands find Selena's hips, and Selena doesn't jump to move them away. They're swaying and grinding and it's all a little _bizzare_.

Then Demi's over in the kitchen taking more shots and Selena, even in her state of mind, is worried. "Okay Dem, you're cut off." Mary Claire says, taking the bottle of vodka away from Demi.

"Boooooo. You can kiss my white ass." She replies, then walks off into the living room.

Then they hear a loud crash.

Demi knocked over a vase, and then tripped over- well, her feet, and fell face first onto the carpet.

"Selena, _please_ just take her to bed. She's gonna wake Dad up and he'll be pissed when he see's that vase broken." Mary Claire tells Selena.

"Alright. Dem, let's go."

Demi looks up, "Where are we going?" She asks excitingly.

"To sleep. Doesn't sleep sound good?" She helps Demi to her feet and helps her to the back bedroom. Demi shouts back, "Goodnight everybodyyyyy! And don't forget tips!" Moron.

Selena pulls the covers back and tells Demi to lay down. Demi slowly makes her way to the bed, stumbling a few times, and gets under the covers. Selena bends down to hug her.  
"Alright, I'm going back to the living room. Tell me if you need me. Goodnight Dem."

She starts to walk away when Demi grabs her hand. "Noooo, stay with me?"

Selena doesn't even attempt to protest, she just turns out the light and lays down next to Demi on her back, stumbling a little on her way.

Demi looks over to her, "Come here silly!"

Selena scoots over closer to her and Demi wraps her arms around her waist, and without any type of warning, kisses her square on the mouth.

"Demi, what was that?" Selena stares back at her.

"What? Don't act like you haven't thought about it!"

"Thought about what?" Selena's confusion is thick in her voice, but Demi remains calm and giggly.

"Looooving meee."

Selena just stares at her. "What do you mean?"

"It makes sense Selly! We act like we're married and stuff. We love each other and we're both pretty!"

Selena can't help but chuckle at that. "Demi, are you saying that _you_ think about that?"

Demi just keeps giggling. "Yes you big dummy. I think about kissing you all the time when I'm drunk. And then when I wake up I don't really remember why. I just remember that you're beaauuutiful and you're heart is big." She sounds like a little kid, and Selena's heart melts.

"And I don't think I've ever kissed you before then! And-" Then she stops, and her eyes go wide. "Holy shit fuck, I just kissed you and said all of that out loud, didn't I?"

Selena blushes and shyly nods. "It's okay Demi, it's not a big deal."

"No! It is a big deal! I never think about it until I drink and I told myself I wouldn't do anything about it but this time, wheeeeeeeeeew, there it went!" Demi's rambling nervously, Selena finds it adorable.

"Demi, shut up. I'll forget about it. You're not even gonna remember this tomorrow. You don't know what you're doing." She tries to reason with her.

"You're right, I won't remember. But you'll remember and you'll feel weird! Oh shit, I messed up everything!"

She won't stop talking, worrying out loud. So, Selena kisses her, and she doesn't know why. She reasons with herself that she wasn't in her right mind, she had too much to drink, that that's the only reason that she thought she could stop her from yelling. She even goes as far to think to herself that she did it because she didn't want Demi to wake Mary Claire's dad up. She comes up with a lot of things for an outlet, _but she can't find an excuse for how she felt_. And she can't find an excuse to why she let's Demi crawl on top of her and kiss her neck.

She won't even try to find an excuse to why she flips Demi over and kisses down her stomach. She knows Demi won't remember this tomorrow. She also knows that she won't help her remember. This is once. This isn't a big deal. This isn't anything serious, they're just kidding, right?

Wrong. She knows it's wrong. Demi knows it is too, but she's wasted and her drunken dreams are playing out. So they don't stop each other from going further. They don't stop themselves from whispering drunken, but honestly sober confessions.

When they're finished, Selena cries. She turns away from Demi and just _cries_, for a reason she can't comprehend. Maybe it's all bubbling to the surface, maybe they're both just too drunk, or maybe they've been destined for this all along. Either way, she cries. Demi doesn't make a sound, but Selena can feel her eyes on her. And she can't resist turning back over and scooting into her arms when Demi asks, "Can I hold you?"

She stops crying. She knows she'll remember this, and she knows Demi will be clueless.

And it breaks her heart that she knows she felt it, that she meant it. And she decides then and there that Demi loves Logan, that she loves Derek, and that this never had to leave this room or her mouth.

* * *

Demi's POV

When Selena finishes talking, I sit there silently. I don't know how I feel, I can't put a finger on it, I can't put words with it.

I just sit there without uttering a word, opening my mouth to speak, then closing it because I don't know what to say.

"Demi, please say something. Don't make this harder than it already is."

And still, I'm silent. Not a noise.


	12. Slow Dancing in A Burning Room

Thank you for the reviews and reading! I don't know how I feel about the cabin chapter, I think it was a little rushed and I don't like it very much. This is a shorter chapter again! But thank you for reading and enjoy :) & btw, yes, the chapter's are all song titles!

**Slow Dancing in A Burning Room**

"Demi, say something, please. Anything." Selena has tears running down her face, silent tears. Her eyes are pleading with me, but I can't say anything. I don't have any words.

"Are you mad at me?" I still don't respond. My mouth can't catch up with me mind, it's running too fast.

I think she thought my silence was answering her question with a 'yes', because she sinks her head down, staring at the floor, and wipes at her eyes.

"I understand."

My mind screamed 'run', but my heart wouldn't allow me. I promised her I wouldn't. So I just sit there, silent, having not the slightest idea what to do or say next.

Then I'm angry.

"How could you lie to my face?"

She looks pitiful, and I can tell that she regrets it. "I didn't want to fuck everything up Demi. Can you imagine me telling you that the next morning? 'Hey, we had sex last night, nice work.' You know it would put us both in completely awkward and terrible positions. I figured I should just bury it. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well that worked out so well, didn't it?"

"Demi, come on."

"I think you should go." I don't look her in the eye, but I know she's crying again.

Then she's gone.

* * *

She calls. I don't answer or call back. She texts and it's the same way.

I don't know what to say to her. She's never kept anything from me before and it hurts.

It was 7 hours and 8 days later when she shows up at my house.

My mom had answered the door and of course, being as oblivious as she is, let's Selena come up to my room.

She knocks on the door twice and then pushes it open.

"Hey."

I'm laying on my bed, flipping through an old magazine. I look up at her and sigh. "What are you doing here?"

"My best friend won't return my calls or texts, and has been avoiding me for the past week. That's what I'm doing here."

I don't respond. I just turn over and continue to read my magazine. I know I'm being harsh, but I'm upset.

"Okay, you know what? This is bullshit!" She slams the door behind her and walks closer to the bed. "You're the one who asked Demi! You asked me what happened and I thought that you'd listen and understand and be there. You knew how hard it was for me to tell you all of that after everything I had went through the week before, and then you cut me out because I was honest with you. How is that fair Demi? How is that okay?" Her voice is strong and fierce.

I still didn't respond.

"You know what Demi, I've tried. I'm still trying. And you don't give a fuck. I guess now I'm the one that's done." I hear her start to walk away.

"Wait."

She just turns back around, a single tear drops from her left eye.

"You never told me why you did it. You just told me the cabin story. That didn't answer my question."

She wipes away the tear and sits down on my bed, facing away from me. Then she starts talking.

"Because when we were dancing at that party, it was exactly how we were dancing at the cabin. And you were drunk, I was drunk, just like we were then. I couldn't let it happen again. So I ran. I went and found some random boy and took him to the basement and just let go. I needed to feel something. And I didn't. Then you came looking for me and it all just seemed so- fucked up, you know? I had meaningless sex with someone just because I didn't want to have sex with you. And I kept thinking about Mary Claire, about how I could have saved her, like you said you could have. And it was just all so messed up Demi. And that night, even as drunk as you were, you were still just looking out for me, trying to be there for me. I don't deserve you. That's why I left so early. And that morning when I woke up my head was just so messy, I figured that if I just left your world, everyone's world, it would be better. I know that's not an excuse. I know I messed up everything between us. But I'm sorry Demi. I'm sorry. I fuck up everything." She's barely crying. She's sitting up straight, still facing the other direction.

It's then that I start to piece everything together. It was that moment that I began to understand where she was coming from, why she lied. I felt like the shittiest person on the planet. I pushed her away for what? Trying to protect me? And now she can't even look at me. I let her down. Her shoulders are shaking a little, and I can tell she's trying to hold in her sobs.

So I pull her backwards to me and hold her. Then she starts to let the tears out.

I push her hair out of her face and look at her, _"My world would be nothing if you left it. Nothing."_


	13. Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace

Thank you so much for the kindness in the reviews. I'm glad you guys are enjoying it, it means a lot. This chapter finally sums it up and takes us to the present, where it starts in the introduction! Yayy! Enjoy :)

**Echoes , Silence, Patience & Grace**

Selena stayed with me that night, after she cried and we talked about everything, cleared it all out.

We decided to bury it. Bury the whole- drunken sex fiasco. Bury the party.

I suggested it.

I just didn't want it to be awkward, I should never be that way with Selena. It shouldn't have to be, and the only way I figured we could move on, is if we pretended it never happened.

Somewhere deep down, I knew that it couldn't stay that way, buried. I knew that it would come back up sometime or another. But right now, we needed to just move forward and not over analyze the past.

We're laying in my bed, watching Family Guy. Out of habit and instinct, I scoot closer to her and wrap my arms around her waste. That's when I feel her flinch.

"Sorry. I- sorry." I mumble as I start to move back over.

"No it's okay! I just felt a little awkward for a minute. But it's buried, right?"

I crack a small smile, "Buried."

Then she pulls me back to her. "I don't want you to feel weird about touching me or whatever, you know. Nothing has changed. We're good now."

"I know." I smile up at her and rest my head on her chest. "Hey, I'm really glad you're okay. And I missed you when you were gone. I mean, even when you were here before you did it, you were so- far away. I've just missed you. Don't go anywhere."

"I'm not, I promise. Night Dem," she says as she kisses the top of my head.

"Goodnight."

And it was the first time in a long time that I slept well. Maybe it was because we were finally over this hill, or maybe it was just the fact that I was in my best friend's arms again, and she was alright.

* * *

Everything was finally falling into place. It's been three months since that night, bringing us to present day.

I haven't seen her in about three days. She's been busy, and if I'm not mistaken, avoiding me a bit. I give her space though, because we've spent so much time together the past few months.

It's 8:00 that night when I call and ask her what she's up to.

"Hey, I've got the house to myself tonight. Want to sleep over?"

She hesitates before she replies, "Uh, actually, I kind of wanted to chill here. Maybe another time. But I'm gonna go, I'll talk to you later Demi."

She's acting weird, but I don't question her. "Alright."

Then she hangs up.

I do nothing all night but watch movies, eat, and worry about her.

I go to bed at 11:30, but I'm woken up at 2:07. By her.

My phone rings and I have 23 missed calls and 4 texts, all from Selena. I'm immediately awake and worried.

Before I press send to call her back, my phone vibrates, signaling yet another text message. 'Im att teh back door lete me imn'

I can tell by the spelling that she's drunk. So I get up as fast as possible and jog downstairs to the back door. But I don't see her.

So I open the door and look outside. She's sitting with her head in her hands against the house, wearing her leather jacket and a flowered dress underneath. Her hair is a wreck, I can't see her face.

"Selena! What's wrong?"

She doesnt' look up so I squat in front of her, prying her hands from covering her face. "Hey, look at me. What's going on? It's two in the morning."

"Ding ding ding Selenaaaa fucks up again! Woooooo!" Then she pulls out a flask I didn't know was sitting on the other side of her and takes a huge drink. I take it away from her. "Come inside."

I help her to her feet and she nearly falls down, stumbling everywhere. I throw her arm around my shoulder and half carry her in the house towards the living room couch.

She falls down on it when we reach it. Then she starts crying and yelling. She's swinging. Not at me, at the couch, the floor, everything else. Then she starts to hit me in the chest, not very hard, weakening with every strike. And then she crumbles against her target, falling against my chest and letting out earth-shattering sobs. I've never been more confused.

"Selena, what's going on? Please talk to me." I whisper in her ear.

She doesn't even mumble a sound, just continues to cry. That's when I realize she's not going to talk. She's gonna cry until she's cried out, and by the looks of it, that's gonna be a while.

So I don't try to get her to talk. I just hold her, stroking her hair, rubbing her back, listening to her heartbeat.

It's nearly an hour later when she looks up at me. Her face alone breaks my heart.

"I don't deserve this," is all she says.

Then she studies my face, her eyes boring into mine, and takes a deep breath, "I lied again."


	14. All That You Can't Leave Behind

Thank you guys again for the kind reviews and support. You're all so amazing & I adore every one of you! :)  
This chapter took a while to get right. I didn't want to screw it up.  
Enjoy :) This chapter may look like the end, but it's not!

**All That You Can't Leave Behind**

"You lied? What do you mean you lied?" I question her. She's still crying, but she's speaking to me, which is good.

"I lied about everything damn it!" She screams and I silently thank God for no one being home tonight.

"Like what? I don't know what you mean!" I try to calm her down by rubbing her arm and she moves it back, and shudders into the couch away from me. I visibly frown. "Selena, talk to me. Please. You're scaring me."

"I can't! I can't tell anyone!" She cries into the blanket hanging on the back of the couch.

"I'm not anyone Selena. It's me, and you know you can tell me anything. Always. I'm not going anywhere this time, okay? I promise."

She shakes her head, she's being stubborn. I'm still worried. I take my hand and gently turn her face toward me. She still doesn't look directly at me. "There's nothing you could say that would make me love you any less or make me run away. Selena? Selena, look at me."

She turns her head more and looks at me. "I'm gonna get you some coffee, and we're gonna talk, alright?"

It's four thirty one when I think she's sober enough to talk. I look at her and take her hand, "What's going on? What did you lie about Sel?"

She sighs and runs a hand through her messy hair. "I don't want to bury everything. And no, just- let me finish. I don't want to bury any of it because I have never felt so.. _connected_ to someone in my life. I've never had that Demi. I thought I did with Derek, and no. I- you just.. changed _everything._ And I tried to lie about it, pretend like nothing happened because I love you too much to be selfish Demi. I knew that it would screw up everything if I told you what happened... I'm sorry. But after I told you and you wanted to pretend it never happened, I went along with it because I thought it would help. And it's driving me crazy Demi. I don't know what to do anymore."

I don't even know where to start. "Is that why you were drinking?"

She looks at me and frowns. "Yeah. I guess it is. I know it sounds weird, but I just can't stop thinking about it. You know? And it's unfair to you. I should leave it alone. But you have to know that this friendship, us, means more to me than _anything_ in the entire world. I wouldn't throw it away for anything. That's why I lied. I just don't want to lose you. I need you. This year, looking at everything we've been through, I just need you. You'd think our friendship, you know, this bond that we have couldn't get any stronger, that we couldn't get any closer, and then Mary Claire happened, and we get through something like _that_ together. It just made me think about it, you know? How much more we could be, I guess."

She mumbles the last few words. "Selena, I don't know what you're getting at, to be honest."

She sighs, "Nevermind, this was stupid. I never should have came here. I'll leave you alone."

She gets up and starts to walk towards my front door. She looks completely drained, emotionally as well as physically. And she was still absolutely stunning, everything about her. Her raw emotion was just- sexy. Then every moment, every flashback of our times we shared, the good, the bad, the sweet, they all lay out if front of me. I understood every word she had just said to me. I loved her. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the late hour, or something in the coffee. All I know is that the sight of her walking out struck a nerve in me and I knew three things right then. A, I knew why I kissed her that night. B, that she poured her heart out to me and that if she left right now, she was leaving for good. And C, perhaps the most important, I had to stop her.

So I did.

"Selena, stop." I say as I quickly get up and rush over to her. I've never been the aggressive type, but you would have thought the opposite by the way I slammed her against my door. "I _do _know how much more we could be." And I kissed her, sober, for the first time. For the first time, I felt how I _knew_ it was supposed to feel. Her tears were warm against my face.

My knees buckled when she kissed back.

My head started spinning when she grabbed my face.

And my heart began healing piece by piece when she pulled back and told me that she loved me, that she always had.

* * *

I don't know what took us so long to figure out what had been in front of us all along. The touches, the words, the love. It was all so obvious, but it was all we'd ever known. Each other. And no matter what, I knew that relationship or not, that love would never falter.

_'Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds'_  
Meaning that when life gets in the way, when it throws you down, love remains the same. It doesn't change when things get messy. That's us. That will always be us.

Selena saved me. In every sense of the word. A thousand times.

Selena. She was fiercely independent, and she was absolutely beautiful in every single way. She was relentless. Brilliant. Brave. Worthy of greatness. She had the biggest heart I had ever known, and _I loved every inch of her._


	15. First Day On A Brand New Planet

Thank you guys for sticking with me and reading! I hope you guys are enjoying it!

**First Day On A Brand New Planet**

When we wake up the next morning in my bed, she's clinging onto me like I'm slipping away. And maybe I was until last night when everything became so clear.

I knew when I opened my eyes that something new and beautiful had began between us. I didn't know how we were going to go about it, who would know, or how we'd label it. I just knew that I didn't want to screw it up.

She turns over and looks at me, smiling. "Morning." She sighs.

"More like evening." I reply looking at the time on my phone. "It's four thirty."

I wasn't really surprised. We didn't go to bed until six, after long make out sessions and fumbling up the stairs, not daring to let go of each other even to walk to my room.

There wasn't much talking after I had kissed her. Just more kissing. And even more smiling and happy sighs.

"I'm supposed to be home at five." She says sadly as she stands up and stretches. "Call you tonight?"

"You better." I reply and she bends down and pecks me on the lips, "I can get used to this, you know."

I chuckle, "Go home dork."

* * *

Three hours later, she calls.

"Hey beautiful." I answer, smiling.

"Hey you. What's up?" She giggles and I know that I'm a goner.

"You're coming over in thirty minutes, that's what's up. Knock before you come in. I'll see you then." Then I hang up.

Everything is set, I think. I got Chinese takeout, her favorite, and her favorite movies picked out and ready. Candles are lit, and I have a boquet of her favorite flowers on the table. I know it's not very romantic, putting roses and candles with takeout. But I know her, and I know, or I hope, she'll love it.

Right on time, she rings my doorbell. I grab the flowers and take a deep breath before I walk to the door.

When I open it and hand her the flowers she gasps. "You're sweet, you know that?"

"I know. You look beautiful."

She smiles and hugs me tight. "So do you." Then she pulls back and kisses me on the cheek. This is different, but I love everything about it. It's right.

"Come on. I have dinner." She smiles and comes in, walking ahead of me. She takes a look around the room at the food and candles then turns around and just smiles at me.

I smile back and lead her to the couch. "Sit down. I'll get the food and the movies."

I go to the kitchen and come back with the food. Then I pop in "A Walk to Remember" and sit down next to her.

We eat for a while and fall into a comfortable silence before she breaks it. "You know, this is by far the best first date I've ever had."

"Word." I reply and she laughs.

"You're an idiot." She says, but then she smiles at me and grazes my face with her hand, and she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I'm sure of it.

When we're done eating she pulls me into her arms and we watch the movie. I'm laying on her chest and her arms are around my waist, mine resting on hers. Then she leans down and kisses my hair, whispering in my ear. "You're amazing."

I turn over and just look at her. I smile, "I'd be nothing without you, and that's the truth."

She doesn't say anything. She just kisses me. And it isn't rough or heated, it's sweet and slow. It's beautiful. She's beautiful.

When we stop, I take her hands. "I'm sorry it took me so long to figure it out. And that I made you feel like you were trapped with this secret. I'm sorry."

She just smiles. "Don't apologize for something you can't help Demi. We have this now. It's real. And I love you."

"I love you too." And then she kisses me again and I know, it _is _real.


	16. Waves and the Both of Us

You guys have been so great on the last reviews, thank you so much! This is a short chapter! Enjoy :)

**Waves and the Both of Us**

I want to ask her to be my girlfriend. That sounds so strange to me, but I want to. I know I do. I don't know what I'm going to say or do, but I know I'm asking her today**.**

She invited me over earlier to just hang out.

"Bye Mom! Going to Sel's!" I yell out to my mom as I start to leave.

"Okay sweetie, have fun!"

When I get to her house she's sitting in the swing on the front porch, reading.

"Hey cutie." She looks up at me and smiles, marking her spot in the book and sitting it down on the table. She pats the swing next to her, asking me to sit.

I smile and sit down next to her, grabbing her hand. She laces our fingers together and pushes my hair out of my face with her free hand, tucking it behind my ear. Then she kisses me on my forehead.

"Why are you so quiet?" She chuckles.

"I'm just thinking." I reply, quietly.

"About wha-"

"I want us to be together. As in you being my girlfriend. I want that because I'm pretty sure I'm like one hundred and ten percent in love with you and I want to be with you completely." I interuppt her and let all of that out in one, rushed, jumbled breath.

She doesn't say anything. Her expression kind of softens, but it's in a 'oh poor Demi you're so sweet but no' kind of way. I just look at her and raise my eyebrows, urging her to say at least something.

"I love you. But I also love what we have right now and I do not want to mess that up with a label."

"So you're saying no?" I ask sadly.

"Demi, I'm saying not right now. Not that. We don't even know what this is yet. I don't want to screw it up before it even begins."

I'm still not happy. Even though she's trying her hardest to make me feel okay about this, it still sucks.

"Okay. I'll wait. But I'm not going anywhere and I'm not changing my mind. That's what I want. You're what I want."

She smiles and pecks my lips. "Thank you for understanding."

* * *

Kissing is by far my newfound favorite activity. Kissing Selena, more specifically.

Right now we're on her bed, making out. She's straddling me, and I'm half way sitting up against her headboard. She bites my lip and if I died tomorrow, it would be totally okay, just because I experienced that.

"You- are such" She says between kisses. "a good- kisser."

"I don't think I have anything on you." I reply and grab the sides of her head, running a hand through her gorgeous dark hair.

Just then, her mom walks in the door. The clothes basket she's holding drops to the floor and her hands fly to cover her mouth. "Would anyone like to explain what this is?" She asks in a calm but trying to not freak the hell out tone.

Selena immediately flies off of me and attempts to fix her hair and twisted tank top.

Oh shit. This should be interesting.


	17. For Blue Skies

Sorry it's taken so long to update! Thanks so much for the reviews and support. I love you guys! Enjoy :)

**For Blue Skies**

"So, do you care to explain what was going on upstairs earlier?" Selena's mom asks us as we eat sandwiches she made us.

Selena looks over to me, fear in her eyes. Mandy seems to pick up on this quickly.

"I'm not angry, Selena. Honestly."

Selena lets out a breath she'd probably been holding since Mandy walked in on us.

"Mom, I'm sorry. Demi and I are.. well- I don't really know. But I know that we do love each other. Yes, in that way. And I don't know how you feel about that, but we do." She lets out in one big breath, rambling.

Mandy's expression softens and she smiles, taking Selena's hand in one of her own, and mine in her other.

"Do not apologize to me for loving someone. I'm happy for you. If I trust anybody with you it would be this girl right here. There's nothing wrong with this. I think it's wonderful. I love you both."

I look to Selena and she has tears welling up in her eyes. Then she leans over and hugs Mandy tightly. Over Selena's shoulder, Mandy makes eye contact with me and winks with a smile. "Please, please, close your door from now on." She chuckles.

I hug her as well. "Thank you," I whisper in her ear.

* * *

Today we're going to see Mary Claire. Neither of us have been to her grave since it's been there. It's a little surreal still, the whole thing. But, we decide it's time.

Before I pick Selena up, I go by the flourist and pick up two dozen white roses, Mary Claire's favorite.

I text Selena when I get to her house and she immediately is out the door and in the car.

We drive most of the way there in silence, holding hands over the gear shift. It's enough.

When we finally arrive, I look over to her. "You ready?" I ask, my hand still in hers.

She gives a half smile. "Ready as I'll ever be."

We walk hand in hand to the spot where she's buried. Her tombstone is black with a picture of her on the front.  
_'Mary Claire Adams. January 6, 1992-April 9, 2010. Loving sister, daughter, and friend'_

I read it silently as I grip increasingly tighter to Selena's hand. A small tear threatens to fall from my eye, but I blink it back. I'm trying to be strong.

"Still feels like a dream, you know?" Selena says, not looking at me.

I don't say anything, I just place the flowers on each side of the stone, squatting down and resting my hand on the top.

"I'll give you some time, kay?" I hear her from behind me. She walks away.

I stay near the ground, just staring at the picture on the tombstone. "I miss you. Every single day."

At first I feel silly, talking to some stone like she's listening. But in my heart, I know she can hear me. I can feel it.

"I'm sorry. I never knew, Mary Claire. I never knew anything about it. I still don't. I just wish you were here. I'm so happy now, for the most part. And I want you to be here with us." I sit down in the grass, taking a deep breath and scanning for Selena. I see her sitting on a bench at her grandmother's grave.

"I love Selena, you know. I really do. And I'm pretty sure that she loves me back. I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said no, but I'm working on it. If you were here I know you'd give me some advice on what to do. I miss you so much. But all of this, you leaving us, I know it sounds terrible, but it brought me to Selena in a new way, you know? We didn't have anyone but each other to help us get through losing you. And we're never gonna move on. But I forgive you, Mary Claire. And I know that you forgive me. I miss you so much. I love you."

I start to stand up. I kiss my hand and place it on her picture. "_I forgive you."_

I choke on my words, tears falling little by little. But I wipe them away as I make my way to Selena. She looks like she's talking, so I stay and re-arrange the flowers, giving her some time.

**Selena's POV**

"Hey Grandma. It's pretty out here today, you know. You would have loved this weather."

My grandmother died when I was 14. I come out to her grave every now and then, just to talk to her. I miss her.

"I told you a little while ago last year about Demi. About how I loved her, remember? And now we're together Grandma. Finally. It's amazing, too. She's amazing. She's beautiful."

I take a deep breath and look over to Demi, bent down at Mary Claire's grave, talking.

"She asked me to be her girlfriend. And I said no. I know, it doesn't make sense. But it's because I don't think she loves me. I mean, no. I know she loves me, she's my best friend. But I don't think she really loves me, you know? I think she thinks she does. Because so much has happened over the past year and all we've had is each other. I think she's afraid after I tried to kill myself that she's gonna lose me like she lost Mary Claire, so she's trying to hold onto me for dear life. I don't think she means to lead me on, I think she just wants to keep me close. I think she wants to love me, but I think that after a while, she's gonna realize she's too good for me Grandma. I'm so scared of that." I wipe away tears that have been falling.

"I'm just afraid I'm not enough and that she'll realize that. God, I'm so scared. I wish you were here. I know you'd know what to do. I miss you so much Grandma. She's coming over here now. I don't know what'll happen between us. But I'll keep you posted. I love you."

I wipe away all the tears from my face and smile at Demi walking over toward me. She kisses me on the side of my head when she reaches me and holds my hand. "Ready to go?" She asks and smiles. I can tell she's been crying a little.  
"Ready."


	18. Locked Hearts and Hand Grenades

Thank you guys for the reviews and support, I love you guys! Enjoy :)

**Locked Hearts and Hand Grenades**

I still don't know how to get Selena to be my girlfriend. What we have now is fine, and I couldn't be happier. But, I want her to be mine. I want to be with her, in every sense of the word, but I'm trying not to push it, for her.

Right now we're eating breakfast at Waffle House, it's Saturday morning. She's having two eggs and two pancakes, I'm having sausage, bacon and coffee.

She looks up from her plate at me. "So.. Randy came up to me at school yesterday and asked what my plans were for tonight."

I'm a little confused. "Oh?"

"They want to throw this little, I don't know, party I guess. For Mary Claire's birthday."

I drop my fork and the sound it makes echoes in the silence. I look up at her and she grabs my hand. "It'll be good, Demi. It'll be good for us."

"What do you mean, 'good for us'? Half of the people that will be there didn't even know her Selena. She's better than that. She deserves better than that. And do you remember how the last party we went to turned out? You in a hospital. I'm not doing it again." I don't really know why I'm lashing out at her.

"First of all, this is not the same as last time, got it? That ended up happening because I was angry with myself for how I felt about you. That will not happen again. And second of all, you are not the only person who lost someone that day. Other people are hurting, and this party is about her. It's not about you."

She looks like she regrets what she just said when she covers her mouth immediately after she lets it out. I'm hurt and even more pissed off.

So I throw down my napkin. "Fine Selena. You go. Have a good fucking time." Then I get up and walk out, leaving her there. When I glance back she's just staring at nothing, wide-eyed, shaking her head.  
I don't feel bad. She was out of line. So I get in the car and go home.

As expected, it's all I think about all day. She has called me 12 times by 9:00, but I ignore them all. She pissed me off. I assume she's still going to the party by the way she acted this morning.

It's a little out of character for me, but all I want to do tonight is drink. So I text Ashley and ask where the parties are. _'Everybody is going to Randy's for MC's party dude. Can't believe you didn't know. Wanna ride with me? I'm going.'_

I sigh. Fuck it. I'm going, I'm gonna look hot, and Selena's gonna want me.

I go shower and dry my hair. Then I put on the tightest jeans I own, a pair of red flats, and a very, very low cut red v-neck. And just for now, I'll throw on my leather jacket.

I text Ashley. _'I'm ready.'_

_'K. Be there in 10.'_

She's there as promised and I walk out the door, telling my parents I'm staying at Selena's.

"Woooooo! Look at you, hot mama!" Ashley whistles as I open the door. She's not gay, but I've had my suspicions over the years.

"Oh shut up. Number one rule, make sure I don't give in to Selena when she tries me tonight, got it?"

"What? I thought you guys were like, dating now."

"No, not dating. I don't know what we are. But she pissed me off and she's not getting off that easily. Just keep me straight."

"Whatever you say."

The party is already packed at 11 when we pull up. Cars everywhere, music blaring that you can hear two streets over. Thank God Randy lives around no one.

I walk in with Ashley and head straight for the nearest cooler. I grab a beer and scan the room for Selena. She's standing against the kitchen counter, watching a game of ring of fire, laughing at something some douchebag said from across the room.

I make a point to walk by her, but I go straight up to Rebecca and say hi.

I see from the corner of my eye her head whipping to the side as I walk back by. "Demi!"

I pretend I don't hear her and go back to a table, sitting down. I open another beer.

She comes up next to me. "Hey, I didn't think you were coming." She says softly.

"Yeah, Ash asked me to come." I reply smugly, not looking up, and taking another drink.

"So me asking you wasn't enough?" She replies, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Oh, sorry. I forgot to mention that she didn't pretty much call me a selfish bitch when she asked. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a game to play."

I get up and walk to the beer pong table, grabbing Ashley by the arm on the way to be my partner.

I drink all of our cups, plus the other team's when we lose. Then I drunkenly, regrettably take a body shot off of Ashley.

I look over to Selena and if looks could kill, Jesus Christ. Her arms are crossed once again and she is staring at me with the 'I swear to God I'm going to murder you and her both' look.

Randy pours me a shot and raises his up, "Happy birthday Mary Claire!"  
Everyone cheers and screams and drinks, and I fake a smile drunkenly and take the shot. I still miss her. So I take another shot.

I'm drunker than I've ever been, and dancing with Ashley. Before I can even think Selena jerks me by the arm. She drags me outside. Once we're on the porch, she slaps me. Hard.

"What the fuck is your problem Demi?" I don't answer her, I take a swig of the beer I'm holding.

She slaps me again, harder, and throws the bottle on the ground. "This is exactly why I won't be your girlfriend. You're unstable! You don't know what you want!"

"Fuck you Selena! What about what you said to me this morning? How could you do that? You know how hard it was! You know better than anyone! So you can kiss my ass, because if I knew you'd talk to me like that, I wouldn't have even bothered." I know I'm out of line, but I'm drunk and I'm angry.

"What the fuck ever! We fight! That's what we always do, Demi! And _Ashley_? Are you fucking kidding me? Dancing all over her, body shots? She's one of my best friends! How am I supposed to know you won't do that shit everytime we fight?"

"You know what, if you pissed me off, I wouldn't have touched Ashley, I would have talked to Mary Claire. But she's dead! And forgive me if I'm being selfish and by saying that, because as you so _kindly_ pointed out to me this morning, it's not all about me." I scream. Then I cry. I slide down the door and bury my face in my hands. And I cry. Everything came crashing down.

Selena sits next to me. "Damnit Demi, I'm sorry. Okay? I was wrong. And I'm scared. I'm scared to let you in. Because I know you need me right now, I know that. I know that you need me to get you through this still, that it isn't over, and I'm scared that that's why you want to be with me. I'm afraid that you've got this all wrong, that you're clinging to me because I've been with you so long and that you're afraid of losing me like you lost her. I'm afraid that this isn't what you really want, that you just think it is."

She sighs and rests her head on my shoulder. I look up at her, shocked.

"You're so, unbelievably wrong. You're just so _wrong_." I'm still crying, and I'm exhausted and drunk.

"Am I, though? You almost lost me and you were in such a bad place. I don't know Demi. I just don't want you jumping into something you don't really want."

"I want you. That's it. Nothing else. You."

"Now. Now you want me. But in a year, when you're fine, when you don't need me, you won't."

"I'm never going to be fine. And even before this, when we weren't together, I needed you more than anyone, Selena. I've always needed you, I always will. Let's face it, I'm a mess. I need you." I smile through my tears at her.

"I'm sorry." She says, wiping at her eyes.

"So am I. Want Dallas to sneak us in? I want to go home."

"Yeah, me too. Text her." She leans over and kisses me softly, and pulls back to look in my eyes. "I love you, Demi."

"I love you too. You might have to carry me to bed though. I've had a little toooooo much." I laugh and smile at her.

"Deal."

We get up and make our way to Selena's car. Dallas is once again, at the back door ready to let us in.

"You're both idiots. And you both owe me." She says, half asleep.

Selena helps me up the stairs, even though I'm good to walk. She's precious.

When we lay down she takes my shoes off for me and crawls up next to me, wrapping her arms around me.

"Selena, I'm okay you know." I laugh.

She doesn't laugh, she looks at me seriously. "Is that offer still on the table?" She asks.

"What offer?"

She looks away nervously. "To be your girlfriend."

I smile. "Absolutely."

"I'll take it." She smiles at me and pushes a strand of my hair away.


	19. We Change, We Wait

Sorry for the long wait! This chapter took a lot of time to write, just because it's the hardest to get out. I didn't want to give it anything less than it deserved, and I wanted to do it justice. This will be the second to last chapter! Ahhhh! Thank you guys for the reviews and sticking with me. This isn't perfect, but it's as close as I can get. Enjoy. Please review, this chapter means a lot to me.

**We Change, We Wait**

Three weeks later, we're stable. We're happy. We decided to tell our parents, and surprisingly, they both took it well. It was as if they always expected it, the way they happily sighed and hugged us. They knew before we did.

And Dallas knew even before them. She didn't even budge when we told her, just looked up from the TV with an "are you serious?" look, and said, "Whatever, just don't make lady babies in my room or anywhere I'm around to witness and we're good."

So all in all, I think it went well.

Selena's birthday is tomorrow, so I'm taking her to dinner tonight at her favorite place.

I pick her up at nine. She's wearing a blue dress and she looks so beautiful. I don't think I've ever seen anything so beautiful.

She gets in and kisses me on the cheek, "Hey." She smiles. I smile back. "Hey."

We listen to the radio and she plays with my hands. It's all perfect and we're just driving.

I pull her chair out for her when we sit down. She smiles lovingly at me, and I still can't fathom how beautiful she is. I had called the restaurant earlier to tell them it was her birthday. They bring her out a small cake with candles and singing. She blushes and smiles at me before she blows out her candles. It's all just so- perfect. She's perfect.

When we leave, she holds my hand, "This was amazing." She says, squeezing my hand lightly.

I kiss her on the side of her head as we walk back to the car.

I open the door for her and she smiles again.

We pull out of the parking lot and onto the busy street. We stop at the second redlight and I wished we were anyplace else when it turns green. I put my foot lightly on the gas and Selena screams when it hits us. It's red jeep, I find out later, that smashes right into her side. We fly and flip into the air. Horns are blowing, lights flashing, and I reach for her when I hear her scream again.

I feel glass in my face as soon as we hit the pavement again. We flip twice and land back down sideways. I don't register anything. Not the pain, not the fear. Just her. She's bleeding profusely from her head. Her eyebrow has glass in it. Her leg is caught and she's struggling to keep her eyes open. The sight destroyed me.

I unbuckle and attempt to reach her. I can't. "Selena. Are you okay? Talk to me, stay awake. Are you hurt?"

She blinks and opens her eyes. When she does, tears fall instantly. "I can't move Demi. I hit my head." She chokes out.

I try to reach to her again and I'm blocked by, well, everything. "God damn it!" I scream, frustrated. She flinches. "Selena, we're gonna be fine, okay? You're gonna be fine. Help is coming. I can hear the sirens. Just stay with me." I say gently. I'm scared and I feel powerless. She's hurt.

Then a police officer is at the car. "Can you move from the vehicle?" He asks calmly. Too calmly. This is not calm.

"I can I think. But I'm not leaving her." I say.

"You've got to get out, then we'll get her Miss."

I move my body toward the busted window and start to crawl out. My arm is cut to pieces, but I don't care. I just need her out.

A fireman begins to cut out the door on her side. She's still drifting in and out of sleep. He finally gets to her and another man helps him get her out. They put her on a stretcher next to the ambulance I'm in. When they roll her into the back, the sight of her is too much. I reach out to grab her hand but I faint before I touch her. The next time I wake up, I'm in a hospital bed.

My mom is next to me. "Where's Selena?" I immediately ask.  
"She's in another room, sweetie. They said they were gonna check you out when you woke up, so I'll buzz them. Then you can go to her."

I sigh. I notice my arm is in a cast and I have stitches in my face. Other than that, I'm fine. The Doctor comes in, asks me irrelevant questions about how I'm feeling, then finally tells me I'm free to go.

I change into clothes my mom brought me and go to see Dallas and my Dad in the waiting room. They hug me tightly and it's all a blur. I love them, but I need to see her.

I walk towards the room they told me she was in and see Mandy on her way back from the coffee machine. She immediately hugs me, and I can feel her cry against me. I know everything's not right.

"I'm so glad you're okay, Dem."  
"How is she?" I ask her.

she looks down for a moment and runs a hand through her hair. "She has brain damage, Demi."

I tear up. "What?" My voice cracks.

She shakes her head. "Go to her. She wants to see you."

I nod and enter the room. She's sitting up slightly, watching TV.

"Hey." I can't help my voice cracking again. I reach up and wipe away the tears that keep falling.

She smiles sadly at me. "Hey."

I sit down and grab her hand, and then I cry. She just stares down at me, and rubs my hair with her free hand.

She's bruised and cut and broken, and I'm the one falling apart. "Are you gonna be okay?" I ask her.

"Do you want me to be honest with you?" She questions. I nod numbly.

"They say it's a matter of days." She says too calmly.

I don't say anything. I can't register anything. I can't breathe. She's dying and I can't breathe.

"No, no you're not. You're fine. They're wrong Selena. You know they aren't right. Come on, you know that's wrong." I argue. Trying to convince myself more than her.

She lets a tear escape her right eye and smiles down at me. "Stay with me." She whispers. I crawl into the bed and kiss her on the forehead, my tears mixing with hers when I kiss her lips. "This isn't happening." I say, crying.

"I love you so much," is her reply. She's so weak, I can see it in her eyes. Struggling.

"I love you too." I say through my sobs.

We sleep through night, her in my arms. I dream of her and when everything was okay.

* * *

Her parents stay with her while I shower the next morning. I want to spend every minute left with her, but they need time too. This isn't any easier for them, and I know that.

I go home to eat, giving them time. But mostly, I go home to cry. I can't stomach anything anyways. I'm completely numb, and I don't know what to do. I mean, what do you do? Forget broken, my heart is just, gone. I can't even feel it. I can feel her, though. Only her.

I read to her when I get back to the hospital. Silly books. Books that will make her laugh. I struggle to flip the pages because I won't let go of her hand.

We don't do much talking today. We lay down together, listening to my iPod. I cry again when I look at her heart monitor. It's beating, it's fine. But I know that it's limited, and it scares the hell out of me.

She knows, just like she always does, and holds me. It's ironic, isn't it? She's dying and I'm the one that needs consoling.

"I don't know what to do, Sel." I choke out.

She just smiles and wipes at my tears. "You will be okay. I'm always gonna be with you, you know that. I promise." She's so at ease. It's not supposed to be like this.

I shake my head. "No, you don't understand. I need you! It's not just about you being my girlfriend, Selena. You're my best friend. You always have been. I can't just pretend like this is gonna be okay. Because it's not. This is not okay." I'm nearly sobbing when she takes me in her arms.

"Demi, you're right. You're my best friend first, okay? You're the love of my life, but you're my best friend first. You always have been, so I need you to be my best friend now. Can you please do that?"

I just nod and she buries her head in my chest.

* * *

The next day, she's worse. It's gonna happen in a day or two, I know it is.

I bring her flowers when she wakes up. She just smiles and chuckles, "You know, it's a shame that I'll be dead before they are."

I stop dead in my tracks, tears threatening. "How can you joke about something like this?"

She sniffles, effectively breaking the comedic act. "Because I'm scared." She tries to smile. Then a small tear comes from her eye. She furiously wipes at it. It's the first time I've seen her cry in the past few days, despite everything.

I sit next to her and grab her hand before kissing her on the forehead. We're silent for a few hours before she weakly looks up at me. "I don't want you to dwell."

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Over me. I love you. And you love me. That's enough. We've had our time, Demi. I don't want you to be afraid to move on."

I start to shake my head, but she holds up her hand. "No, listen. I don't want you to feel like you're hurting me by moving on, by being happy. You _deserve_ to be happy, you do. You've made me the happiest girl in the entire world. We've been destined to be together since we were eight years old, Dem. You've given me everything. And I need you to promise me that you'll be happy."

I know I'm gonna cry. "I can try." I choke out. She smiles, and rests her hand on my cheek. I lean down and kiss her. That's when she cries. I can feel her tears. They mix with my own, but I can tell that she's crying too. When we pull apart she smiles again, then rests her head back down, sighing tiredly.

I go home that night, letting Brian and Mandy get their time with her, and then I cry myself to sleep for the third time that week.

* * *

They say she only has a few hours left. Whatever piece of my heart that remained broke apart when they said it.

We decided that I'd get an hour, and her parents would get the remaining hours.

I enter the room, and I know she knows her clock's almost run out. She smiles sadly at me. I just lay with her. She's lost a significant amount of weight, looks tired, and yet, still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

We're silent for nearly ten minutes when I finally speak, "Sel, do you believe in past lives? Do you believe in fate?"

She hoarsely replies, "I don't know, what do you mean? Do you?"

"Yeah." I smile a little. "I think we've met before, and I think we'll meet again. I think I've been looking for you in every life, forever. I know I have." She cuddles into my side. "I think we're together in _every_ life, Sel."

She coughs, sniffles, and looks at me. "So we'll meet again one day?" She asks softly, a glint of hope in her voice. I just nod and kiss her on the lips softly.

A few minutes of silence later, she whispers, "I'm scared."

"There's nothing to be afraid of." I reply softly, almost in a whisper matching her own. "_I'll look for you_."

A brief hint of confusion washes over her face before she understands. "In the next life?" She asks.

I nod, and we kiss again. This time a little longer, and we're both holding on to each other for dear life, afraid of slipping away too soon like I know she's about to do.

When there's a knock at the door I know my time is up. I kiss her again. She's crying, so am I.

"I'll love you forever." I choke out.

She holds onto me loosely with what little strength she has left. "I love you so much." She whispers and kisses me once more.

When I turn to leave her several kisses and I love you's later, she says my name.

"Demi, I'll wait for you." She looks at me seriously, tears on her face.  
"I'll find you." I reply, going back to kiss her again before leaving.

I held myself together until I got to the hallway. When her parents exited her room later with the news I'd known was coming, sank against the wall. Then I screamed. I cried. I fell apart. All I have left is a little strand of hope because of the last thing she said to me.

**_She's waiting for me._**


	20. Landslide

I'm really sorry it's been so long. This is the last chapter of the story, and I've enjoyed every minute of writing it, of sharing it with you all. You've been so kind and supportive and I'm endlessly thankful for your reviews and advice. Enjoy :)

**Landslide (2 Years Later)**

When I finally came to terms with the fact that she was gone, when I finally accepted it, I was breathing right again. Before, it hurt to do even the simplest thing, breathe. Maybe it was because she was still so fresh in me, still so tightly attached to my heart and my head. It was tearing me down, making every breath feel like passing a damn kidney stone.

It was seventeen months exactly after the day she died when I felt like I could hear her name without lashing out or breaking down. I was at home, eating breakfast with my parents. My mom was testing the waters, I could tell. Bringing up her name with a memory of an attempted treehouse we had made long ago in our backyard. She studied my face carefully after she spoke, and when I thought back, I smiled. She looked surprised, and then smiled back.

I guess I had to come to terms with knowing that she wasn't coming back. Those seventeen months were a never ending trainwreck, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel like my life was over with. What else did I have to live for?

But, after a while, I did the whole 'what would Selena say if she could see me right now' thing and I realized that I disappointed her. She would be disappointed, that's it. She'd slap me and tell me to get my shit together. I'd argue and tell her it was too soon, and she'd tell me, like she did before she passed, that she'll be waiting for me.

I believe it. I don't know if I believe it because I think she really is, or simply because I can't bear not to. I think it's both, but mostly, I believe it because I trust her. And I love her. I know now that it's okay to move on, it's okay to love again. I also know though, that I'll never love someone as fiercely as I loved Selena.

As of now, I'm not dating anyone, or merely interested in doing so. I don't know if I will be anytime soon either. Maybe one day I'll meet someone and I'll fall in love again, and maybe this will hurt a little less.

I know that I'll never just be okay with this, you know. Her. But I know that she loved me just as I loved her, and what we had can never be taken away or touched. I lost her as my lover, but most importantly, my best friend. That hurts, I think, more than anything. I already went through it with Mary Claire. That's another thing that will get easier with time, though.

Maybe one day I'll see Mary Claire again, too. Maybe Selena already has, and they're both somewhere waiting on me. I don't know where somewhere is, but I believe it's there, and I believe she is too.

-  
The End


	21. IMPORTANT AUTHORS NOTE

I know it has been a WHILE sense I've updated anything. I've been really stuck trying to continue some of the stories I've began, but I keep thinking about this one.

** I was wondering if you guys would be interested in reading an alternate ending I've started to write for this story. No crash or death! Just a continuation of their relationship. **

Please let me know ASAP so I can post it!

Thanks


	22. LAST AUTHORS NOTE

The next installment of this story will be called **"The Mountains We Moved"** and will be published within the next week! I'm really excited to start this story again and I hope you guys are excited to read it. Thanks for sticking with me and reviewing.

:)


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